Plastic Faces or vulnerabilities?

by Guest blogger

by Gwendolynn Edwards

Every day, people ask each other how they are doing, how their day is going, and similar greetings. It is so easy to say, “I’m okay,” “I’m fine,” and similar responses. Are they really? Or are they hiding behind a plastic face?

In my Bible study group, which uses Gather magazine, I’m the youngest and the only widow. In my monthly scrapbook group, I’m not the youngest, yet I am the only widow. My friends at work still have their spouses.

Being a widow is hard work, and wearing a plastic face is convenient and easy. The Bible tells us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,” (Psalm 147:3), “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,” (Matthew 5:4), and “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).

I have lost all my grandparents, my favorite aunt and uncle, and others. I still miss those loved ones, yet I feel that they do not compare to the loss of your spouse, the loss of losing half of yourself. This past year, as I traveled to Synodical Women’s Organization (SWO) conventions, I met other widows. They offered kind words, advice and hugs.

The importance of vulnerability
After I started attending GriefShare, a grief recovery support group, I started to discover that being vulnerable is part of the healing process. Being vulnerable is not easy, nor comfortable. Personally, I do not like it! Our minds know that God is with us while we mourn, that we will be comforted. Our hearts are torn apart, crushed, and feel it will never be whole again, it doesn’t feel what our minds know, and sometimes it feels as if God is not there.

Our emotions can feel like a rollercoaster ride. Can we ever say we are “good” again, or is “okay” the new standard answer?

Tears can often arrive with or without a trigger. My advice is to not apologize for your tears, regardless of why they are there. Remember, the Psalmist tells us, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle” (Psalm 56:8a-b). Allow the tears to flow and allow all of those emotions to be as they are. Grief is a journey and has no time limit. And sometimes, we just forget they are gone.

The night before my own Region 4 SWO convention and gathering, I was with the planning team and our Churchwide Board representative. Everyone was calling home to check-in with their spouses. My thought was “oh, I haven’t called John.” I really thought I needed to do that. Within a few moments, I remembered that he is no longer with me. There was no phone call to make. I shared that with a pastor who was presenting at our gathering that weekend. He replied that he experienced the same thought and feeling—the need to call his mom, and then remembered that she was gone. That affirmed me that my experience was a normal step in the grief process.

It has been sixteen months since I lost John, and it is still hard, and last week was even harder, with no triggers to explain it. I am starting to learn that being vulnerable is needed; it is part of the healing. Being vulnerable and sharing lifts some of the heaviness one is bearing. I’m slowly learning to take off the plastic face, which can be heavy.

Whatever you are facing, remember God is always there with you. Being open is helpful.

Have you ever heard the song, “Truth Be Told” by Matthew West? The song says to tell the truth, be open with yourself and with others. Whatever your journey, don’t wear a plastic face. Healing takes time and God is with you and so are your siblings in Christ.

Gwendolynn Edwards serves as Secretary of the Churchwide Executive Board, Women of the ELCA.