I often wonder: What is the difference between surrender and giving up?
It may be that I have done both. I think I’ve given up the idea that there’s a church of a group of people who are getting it right. I’ve given up believing that anyone who calls themselves “Christian,” even in what they believe to be good faith, is trustworthy. I’ve given up believing that things generally come out okay in the end – the way I always wanted (and was taught) to think about the promise of Romans 8:28. I’ve given up thinking there’s a way to be that will protect me from some of the worst suffering of life.
As I write this out, it sounds like cynicism. Maybe it is. But I don’t feel negative or bitter or betrayed. (Not by God, anyway. By many of the people who claim God as theirs? Yes.). I can’t see any other way to survive than to give up many of the things I held certain. Any other path feels like denial for me.
This message was excerpted from “A long surrender” by Sara Zarr in the January/February 2021 Gather magazine.
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